Tuesday February 16, 2010

Yesterday I bought a new lamp and a grow bulb for my vines. My apartment doesn't get much Southern exposure so the vines have not been doing well. Rather than throw them out I decided to salvage them. I think about the amount of time that I spend going to my own light therapy treatments, and the amazing results I've seen, and have to believe that my vines will get the same benefit. The chlorophyll just has to unpack the UV nutrients, right? Of course that's right.

Thinking cyclically I started to wonder what healthy lessons I could learn from my vines, but my mind could only focus on one word, "unpack."

I thought about it doubly, both in the way I used it to talk about getting nutrients from the UV rays, but also, to let out the toxicity that remains in the soil and leaves. This second kind of unpacking in the kind that I am interested in as far as my own health goes as well.

My life and my surroundings are comfortable and uncluttered, but I find it difficult to let go of the past. To me, inner toxicity has to do with stress, bad memories and experiences. Thinking in the "Now" has me sometimes believing that the past won't let go of me, but I realize that is nonsensical. Thinking in the past tends to bring emotions and circumstances vividly and I find those too overwhelming to deal with sometimes. There has to be a way to alleviate my inner toxicity. Forgive is no problem, forget is another. Meditation I feel would work well for me.

Now would be a great time for you, if you have any suggestions, to use the message board, start a dialogue and let me know how you "unpack" you inner toxicity.

Monday February 15, 2010

Windows are things that we see in and out of, sometimes, depending on the light exposure and time of day. Like my stained glass variety they can be translucent, but mostly we think of windows as being transparent. Which makes me think of last year's catch phrase "transparent." The term used excessively by government has come to take on a life of it's own, suggesting "An open, honest and accountable way of conducting ones affairs; business; life." Muchly like the stained glass window, and time of day however, the degree of transparency depends on the exposure of light that gets through that window. Now, for those knee deep in my metaphor, I'll give you another - lol; you can only wring so much truth out of a lie. Wow, I gotta ponder that one. How 'bout you?

Sunday February 7, 2010

Friday February 5, 2010

   Hope is key and hope is elemental..."Elemental my dear Watson!" In fact, it is so important that I started this blog with the word. And I'm not bringing this up "a day late and a dollar short" of the U.S. election. I'm doing it because it's something I feel needs to be said.

So why am I so seemingly insistent on this? Because there are those who would insist that it is an airy fairy idea that brings no action and is therefor a fruitless, rootless idea to place much value in or on. But Hope is a wellspring without which action would be impossible, or the correct form of action (if there is such a thing). I guess I'll have to define that...

My friend constantly likes to remind me that we don't live in the 60's anymore, suggesting, I suppose, that my ideals are outdated. But to me, hope is the nugget in us that is aligned with our most pure and positive selves. In all of us there are facets, that I believe are determined by out nature/nurture conditions, and at every moment we can choose to tap into our negative experiences and "Self", or vice-versa. In essence we can control who we want to be; Like choosing to have that next cigarette or consciously choosing to start to become a non-smoker. When we choose Hope, from our optimism with strength and conviction there is power behind that. Not only is it a step towards action, and positive action at that, but it is a choice towards strengthening your positive "Self."

Now, to take things back a step to the election (sorry), I feel badly for the people who feel that they did not get the change that they feel they were promised. The campaign was brilliant, but you weren't duped. Change and hope are great ideals to campaign on, but the hope that shone so brightly as a slogan was not in fact a slogan...it was YOU! - and the whole world saw it :) As I said, making the choice for hope, when it comes from a place of optimism and strength, is the first step towards action.

Now, we are old enough to know from life experiences that not all promises are or can be kept, for whatever the reason may be, but do not let that make you question the nugget of your positive self. That is true, and pure, and good, and right - Always, and guess what, you've exercised your inner strength and your hope. It's stronger now because you have acknowledged that it is there and you are learning where that most precious commodity can be placed/trusted/used for the greater good. Don't let it lay dormant! Without Hope there is no way.

Thursday February 4, 2010

   Listening to "Self" by Paint by Numbers so I thought I'd paint one of myself from when I was younger. I had to pay a lot for the kit. It's a little outside the lines and the shading is way off in some areas, but it's a good representation. It looks like this so far:

1,3,12,2,10,8,11,9,13,9,4,6,2,1,3,5,14,7,11,12,16,6,17,4,13,15,8,18,7,10,5

Sunday January 31, 2010

   I've been thinking about monsters lately. A girl that I have to have contact with has put the idea in my brain. I hate that the word even exists, although I guess it has it's uses in describing people who commit atrocities that are beyond understanding, and as children, the same thing, things that go "bump" in the night; The unknown. But the way this girl talked about monsters was as a description of the converse of self. She talked about the need to find ones monster, and slay it to become a warrior. This all began when she was asking her mother to find her her book about warriors, although she could not remember the name. I suggested that it might be Paulo Coelho's book Warrior of Light and promised to bring it to her. Those of you who follow this blog regularly know that I am a fan of his writing. I faithfully brought her the book and she let me know it was not what she had intended, and started explaining all the steps to becoming a warrior, which sounded like complete bunk to me, because quite a lot of it seemed vicious and self serving. Obviously the two books were, as I have said, 'converse' to one another.

So, I've been ruminating on the idea of monsters (always trying to see something from another point of view before dismissing it). How would one begin to muster up the self-righteousness to condemn the converse of themselves as a monster? If one is aware that there is a divide between how we act and another does, then wouldn't the charitable thing to do, be to dirty one's self a bit in the hopes that it allows the converse an opportunity at a bit of cleanliness? To qualify this I'm not talking about committing Federal offenses, or even petty larceny. You should know what boundaries your soul is willing to cross so that you can remain comfortable in your own skin and still look at yourself in the morning.

With that thought in mind I started wondering, with a glimpse from a monster's point of view, the how's and why's start to come into play. Again, I'm not defending murderers or those who seek to reek havoc for selfish purposes, but I do believe in the balance of the universe, and to play the ultimate idealist, wouldn't it be nice to consider for a second that everyone had a warm bed to come home to and a heart that loved them unconditionally? Would we be one step closer if we understood our monsters?

I use to see this woman every day at the dinner that I went to for lunch. She was definitely odd. An old woman, white wiry hair, with thick black painted on eyebrows and bright blue eyeshadow equally thick and painted on. Every day she ordered the same thing. A piece of cheese that she added heaps of pepper to. CRAZY!!! Right? And I wonder, was she a monster, or a warrior who gave her monster some relief? Could you be that person for a day, a week, a year, and what if the oddity extended past that? How far is too far (that is a rhetorical question by the way)?

I had the opportunity not so long ago to so some psycho-graphic research on dinosaurs and why they are "scary". Can we all be in agreement that at one time we found dinosaurs scary? What I found is that they are considered by child psychologist to represent the first incarnations of monsters to children; A place to place their misplaced fears of 'boogy men' and unknown things that hide in the dark and under their beds. This is a huge developmental step in a child's life, because, by giving form to their 'big, bad' fears, and learning about them, irrational childhood fears start to diminish. A sense of accomplishment and pride is developed in the child and it encourages confidence and an interest in learning in general.

So that is as far as my ruminations have taken me. A circular debate about the art of being ugly, mean, spiteful, cruel, sharp, harsh...in a mild way, in order to kill our monsters with kindness.

Friday January 22, 2010

   I've been thinking a great deal about dreaming forward instead of backwards. Is there a point at which these things intersect? But I did have the most lovely dream last night. And yes, I can hardly wait :)

Saturday January 9, 2010

   So, I wrote this great blog and my connection must have timed out, because when I went to save it, it disappeared. It was perfect the way it was and I don't want to re-write it right now, but I thought I'd leave a quick message and say hello.

Ok, to get real for a minute, what exactly is it that makes me feel like I always waiting for tomorrow? It seems to be what everyone is telling me. It's like watching minutes tick by on a clock. Goodness knows that I have done a lot in my lifetime, mostly out of a feeling that I was suppose to be somewhere other than I was. Now that I find myself in good circumstances it feels like I am somewhere other than where I am. I know that makes no sense, but I guess that's what's spurred me forward in the past. But all of that movement didn't bring me any happiness or peace, instead it created even more restlessness in me, and that is not a route that I want to travel down again.

Wednesday January 6th, 2010

   Well, I did so much running around to doctors today that I think I met myself coming and going. I've developed what the doctor has diagnosed as Guttate psoriasis, and yay, it's all over my body. He's sending me to a dermatologist and thinks it can be cured with light therapy. Originally an allergist that I saw yesterday scheduled me to go for a punch test which sounded so scary last night, but is in fact a biopsy. Anyway, the doctor today said that it is as a result of a bacterial infection, which was likely my tonsillitis. Anyway, it looks gross and I feel gross.

   Today I had a chance to help someone but didn't really know how, and it made me sad. She looked so familiar that it made me want to help her more. She had a black eye and was in a rush to find something, but having walked there I wasn't sure where she was referring too. She didn't seem to be at all well, looking at my phone and her phone, neither of which was ringing, and asking which one was? "Or am I going crazy?" she asked. I was as confused as she was after she left, and I just really hope that she got where she was headed.

Hope all is well with all of you.

Thursday December 30th, 2009

 

   Happy New Years Eve! I see a recent visitor from Prescott, a town not too far from where I am staying, in fact, I was out that way to watch a movie just the other night. Too bad I'm headed back West this weekend, or we could have made plans to meet up :( Well feel free to use the message board or email me at psychereve@gmail.com and let me know what your New Years plans are. Be safe, have fun!

Tuesday December 29th, 2009

 

   Even more than on Christmas, as the New Year approaches, my thoughts turn to...me, and you, and everyone else. There's a sense of uncertainty that the New Year brings, and having had plenty of change in my life already, thinking of more change is a little frightening. I suppose it is foolish to say that I know what I want, because that, in part, is not necessarily true. I can suggest peace, love, health, warmth, companionship and safety, happiness, creativity and prosperity. I can tell myself how I would fufill those in my wildest dreams, only when people keep reminding you to wake up and move forward - it doesn't have to be difficult does it? - it just must feel so presently.
   There are people that I have loved who are sweet and close to me in memory, only, to hold them in memory does not allow for the reality that they have had a life beyond when I knew them, and they may have grown different from when I knew them. There's a song, "Small of my heart" that always makes me think of them, and hope that even though they have been away, though not in heart or memory, may have changed, may have grown, may be different, that they may have kept at least a small fond rememberance of us in thier heart to keep them warm and strong and happy. Certainly, if there is pure love left there, may the New Year let us rest and rejoice together again soon.

Friday December 25th, 2009

 

Tuesday December 22nd, 2009

 

   My family has bought me a plane ticket home for Christmas to spend it with them back East. I'm really excited to be spending it with them because it's been about six months since I saw them last, and with being sick recently I was starting to feel acutely alone. The whole Holiday season really has been bearing down on me, making me worry for reasons unknown, when it should be a joyous time of year. Every malcontent will cite commercialism as the reason for the pressure, or cynics, family, but for me its different. I think its what the Holiday does to people, making them try to one up each other, pressures over cost of gifts or shame over no gifts, sometimes bringing out the worst in our natures. There is a line from a song that I like to remember when I feel pressure to produce - anything. "Do something pretty while you can." When I'm not writing here, making stained glass windows, writing songs, I'm checking in on friends to make sure they are alright, I'm dreaming pretty dreams, writing in my journal, and yes, still looking for a job. One Christmas, my family decided to write letters to my Grandma telling her of good memories that we had with her. I thought that was a really creative idea, and she loved it.

   I hope you and yours have lovely and cherished times together this December, and in 2010. Love and blessings.

Sunday December 20th, 2009

   I'm feeling much better after some antibiotics and sleep.

   Sometimes I hate my stupid "weak-strength." It's starting to hurt to make others happy at my emotional expense. Still, my heart tells me to be calm and have faith; my love will be mine soon.

   Something funny I wanted to share with you though. I just went out to the store to buy a coffee, it's pretty late here and coming home a white jack rabbit jumped out of nowhere and started hopping along in front of me. All of a sudden I felt like Alice and said "hello" to the rabbit. Then somebody pulled out of their driveway in a white Chevy Blazer, obscuring my view of the rabbit. It was like a dream when one thing replaces another, snow was falling lightly and the streetlights lit the way softly. I walked behind the Blazer for a bit, because it was in my path. After it turned off, there was the jack rabbit again. Crazy when things feel like they are a dream but they are real.

Friday December 18th, 2009

   I've been so sick lately that I ended up in the hospital on Wednesday malnourished and dehydrated, apparently because of my tonsillitis (yes, it turns out my flu was really tonsillitis). I've been sleeping all hours trying to feel better and woke up today missing my family, wishing that I could see them for the holidays. I've been in touch with them, getting advice about getting plenty of electrolytes while I can't eat, and keeping regular hours. In today's conversation they offered to buy me a ticket home to see them for Christmas and I'm so excited and delighted. My cat is even coming with me. I've been able to eat an apple-pear and some cheese and drink some Gatorade. My fever has finally lifted, the aches are gone...I feel so fortunate to have my health and family, and you.

Tuesday December 15th, 2009

   It's amazing, I was on my knees in the shower, A flu has slowly been building in me and I've been shivering. With the water on my back I started thinking about last Sunday's post. I felt so weak, and the hot water was draining me also, but it was then that I remembered my own struggles and feelings of helplessness and the compassion that I once had allowed my self came flooding back. I think that was the amazing part, because recapturing that feeling is what I prayed for, but then something else happened. I got a phone call from a friend, and I happened to mention that I was feeling flu-ish, they insisted that they come keep me company. That was super nice :) Just a re-affirmation that I do have a beautiful life, and I realize that I got here by every twist and turn.

Monday December 14th, 2009

   I was on the phone late last night, talking with someone whose opinion matters to me. Some of my frustration from yesterday's blog were still lingering and when he asked how I was, I told him I wasn't happy. His advice to me was, "Don't want to be happy, just be happy." It was great advice, it really was. That kind of mentality has worked well for me before if I'm in the right mindset. It's hard to get there, but I can find happiness in the smallest and biggest things. Clouds, architecture, a job well done, a sincere smile, a child at play. But I was still feeling morose at that time and I told him that that kind of happiness is fleeting. I told him that my faith was cracking.

 Now, in the light of day, everything seems much better. I'm eager to finish this post and set foot outside to see what sights might delight my soul. I want to find my day's happiness, let it fill me and sustain me and tell him all about it. And for everyone who could use a little sunshine in their lives today, "Don't Worry, Be Happy!" and click the smiley face.

Thursday September 24, 2009

It’s no use struggling against quicksand. You’ll only sink more quickly. It goes against the logic of your limbs, but your mind knows it to be true. Now, imagine all of the times that your body told you one thing and your mind another. Intuition is a powerful skill, innate, yet not innately honed. It is said to be many things, but different definitions agree that it is essentially the instinct of knowing beyond that which it is possible to know. Maybe you’ve been in a room alone and felt the presence of someone else, only to turn around and see that someone had entered silently. I’m sure there are people, at times, who are glad they listened to their ‘instincts’ and ‘feelings,’ but chock these experiences up pessimistically, or unknowingly, to coincidence.

When we deny these intuitions we dull our ability to receive them - a case of mind over matter. Because it is not in the mind that intuition originates, that is merely where it is processed. Intuition would seem to be something ‘other,’ yet, if it can be perceived, it must be matter; not tangible in a solid, liquid, or gaseous state, but maybe as energy.

There are abundant sources of energy around us at all times. We generate it in our movements - kinetic energy, wind, water and solar power are harnessed to harvest it, and energy runs though our bodies, animating us and giving us life. – a spark, a spirit, a soul. Could these be the conduits of intuition, and if so, how do they inform our mind? There is nothing quantifiable to support what I’m suggesting. Like faith, it’s a matter of believing and seeing if that belief is right for you. It asks you to be open to removing the mind over matter barrier and creating a personal relationship with an energy that ‘speaks’ best to you. Maybe you will choose the wind, take a walk ‘with it’ for an hour and decide to let it take you in whatever direction it’s at your back. I’m not sure how you’ll build your relationship with your energy, other than to say that it is Your intuition you are developing, so theoretically there is no wrong way.

So, why is cultivating your intuition important? It seems to me a good start in making an effort, taking a symbolic step, towards actualization of Mind-Body-Soul integration.